Congregate to Defecate

It seems to be a universal truth that whenever two men are in a public bathroom together, they are to stay as far apart as possible. This rule is firm, and applies across the board to all bathroom acts: Peeing, crapping, hand washing, and coffee pot rinsing. My problem is that despite having received unanimous agreement from everyone I’ve ever mentioned this to, I often have quite a different experience when I’m in an actual bathroom.

For instance, I can be behind closed doors in a bathroom stall when lo and behold, some idiot struts in and cozies up to the urinal that is directly adjacent to my stall. He’s so close that his shoes practically penetrate the boundary of my personal space. I can literally stare at his twitching foot while I’m sitting on the commode. This is horrible! Why do men do this repeatedly, when there are other toilets that are farther away from me?

Continuing the Men’s room rule: If there are a line of urinals in the bathroom, do not for any reason come and stand next the one I’m using. Everybody knows that! Everybody, except for half the men I encounter in an actual bathroom! What is wrong with you people? Let me be clear. I never want to stand shoulder to shoulder with anyone and urinate together. Ever!

Furthermore, men, when you’re relieving your bladders, it isn’t necessary for you to deliberately force out a fart while you do it. I mean, really. One may slip out here and there, but to proudly fire off your farts amongst strangers isn’t the least bit appreciated, I can assure you.

I’ve also noticed that a man who is occupying a stall will start blowing their nose when I walk in the bathroom. They’re obviously making a halfhearted attempt to cover up the sound of their sputtering ass. I have news for you fellows, you’re not fooling anyone. You’re noses are almost never clogged, and besides, I can still hear the painful echos of your bloody diarrhea throughout the bathroom.

And another thing. If I’m already in a stall minding my own business, don’t come waltzing in the bathroom and fiddle with the sink for 10 minutes. I have this experience regularly. Men walk in the bathroom and begin rinsing the coffee pot or their lunch containers, and run the water at full blast for what seems like an eternity. All while combing their hair, or staring in the mirror performing some other mindless ritual. This is a public bathroom, not a shower or a kitchen! Get the hell out!

I can’t imagine a single man disagreeing with me on what I’ve just wrote. Still, I say this knowing that tomorrow, one of the terrible sequences of events mentioned above will inevitably transpire before me yet again. Good grief.

Author: Craig Tisinger


5 thoughts on “Congregate to Defecate”

  1. If I might add a pet peeve to this list: talking. I don’t want to talk to you while I’m using the restroom. I don’t need to talk about how long the day has been, how ready you are to head home, the effect your lunch had on your intestinal tract or anything else. Enter, do your business and be on your way.

    1. This I whole-heartedly agree with. Am I suppose to feel bad about flushing and interrupting their conversation? I think not!

  2. Craig, your bathroom comments made me laugh out loud. I am not a male but everything you wrote makes since. That is a sure fire first place act at a comedy club, you missed your calling.

  3. If the bathroom is not the appropriate place to let a fart out, then where is?

    And while I’m all for water conservation, let your boy wash his coffee pot in peace…though why you want to wash something you drink out of in the bathroom is a whole different discussion. Also, some people might role out of bed looking fabulous, others need constant touch ups through out the day–unless they start putting lounges in the men’s bathrooms, this is were the metrosexuals/hair challenged people will setup shop.

    You can always put up a sign, “Sh!t, or get off the pot”

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